and no one's getting fat except Mama Cass.

I realized something at work today: a woman's obsession with food.

Now, there is no denying I'm obsessed with food and all its wonderful flavors and aromas (likely, this relates to the food that comes with a warning label). But I am rather concerned with the women at my work who bring in the following:

-Healthy Choice Pasta Steamers
-Lean Cuisine products
-Weight Watchers products

Well, you get the idea.

Do these girls understand that these food contain so many artificial food flavors and even food hybrids? Have you ever seen an ingredients list for these things? I guarantee you that it's far from a "normal listing" of 10 recognizable items and contains about 10 different chemicals and ingredients starting with "sodium." Plus, when you open a Lean Cuisine box, it is frozen. Does that honestly look yummy to you? While I recognize the brand toots their horn with "No Preservatives," ice alone is just not going to preserve that disgusting food. Sulfites of some sort?

I did some searching on their website and found this under Lean Cuisine's Glazed Chicken product:

Cooked chicken tenderloins (chicken tenderloins, high fructose corn syrup, water, corn oil, modified cornstarch, lemon juice concentrate, sodium phosphates, salt, caramel color, potassium chloride, garlic, onion, paprika, spice), water, blanched enriched long grain rice (rice, ferric phosphate, niacin, thiamin mononitrate and folic acid), green beans, mushrooms, onions, blanched wild rice, modified cornstarch, sugar, salt, cultured whey, chicken fat, lemon juice concentrate, caramel color, dehydrated onions, spices, dehydrated garlic, paprika

Well, I'll be damned. Everything has been modified, dehydrated, and withered to a sad little sardine. Oh yeah, and some spice was thrown in there to describe the sub-mediocrity you are about to "indulge in." What a crock.

The reason I am bitching about these products is I ate them for almost a year in college. Hardcore. My class schedule was rigorous, my head was in a constant panic attack, and my body was going through warped "EAT.FAST.ONTHEGO." mode. So I got stuck eating pre-made meals that I thought would be wholesome and nutritious. Boy, was I wrong.

Lean Cuisines taste like shit. There is no other word to describe them than glorifying their products with the repugnance of "shit." Have you ever tried to flavor cardboard? Now paint the cardboard green, and you have a Lean Cuisine vegetable. It's just that awful and mind-blowing. Ladies, I understand how you might think you are doing your body a service by eating these things that will help "balance your diet, lose weight and feel great." Just be aware that this is some giant marketing scheme, which has been occurring for over 50 years, to get women to succeed in losing weight. I'm sorry, but L.C. products taste like spiced-up construction paper and I would rather eat REAL lemon-butter green beans (not my choice, just a first thought) or real chili any day. Not something with an ingredients list that could wrap around the moon.

Look, I'm no angel when it comes to eating right. I struggle with binging on garbage - there's no doubt about it. My friends know me for eating Domino's pizza, Chipotle burritos, and god knows what else. I thrive off of that stuff, but I recognize it does ultimately downgrade my proper body function. Now, I do try to eat better, pack my own lunch, etc.

Just know when I cook for others, which is turning into a rather frequent and enjoyable hobby, I use FRESH INGREDIENTS. I don't buy pre-chopped, pre-cut, pre-whatever anymore. I do everything by hand. Nothing is modified, dehydrated, or stuffed with sodium sulfate.

So, ladies: go ahead and enjoy those Lean Cuisines. Your bodies will thank you in 10 years when they corrode. /End of rant

to lose my life.

I just had a thought. A horrifying thought.

It's about to be the end of 2009. Trust me, I am forever grateful for this as this was an incredibly shambolic year of death and deceit. But, it led me to do some thinking about the past decade.

I turned 14 in the year 2000. I was about to graduate middle school. I was destined for a high school that I abhorred for a lack of free dress code, a lack of boys, and a lack of friends. I had viewed "Almost Famous" and was determined to get to New York City and write for Rolling Stone magazine. I became obsessed with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, old punk bands, and was driven by a socialist mentality.

Now speed forward a few years.

I turned 23 in the year 2009. I moved home from London - the best learning experience of my life - after having worked there for five months. I abhorred moving back to my parents house only to live on a couch seven months in. I became obsessed with moving to London once again - no matter the cost. I was driven by a nutjob mentality (or so it would seem).

Wow, so apparently things have changed a tad. I can honestly say I never thought I would be in this position at age 23 - making an hourly wage, living back at my parents' house, having an hour commute back and forth, and likely suffering from a mild form of depression. But as such, I am the eternal optimistic cynic who will prevail when all is said and done.

But let's review this decade in retrospect.

*2000: Transferred to an all-girls Catholic school which would ultimately instill lasting friendships and a permanent distrust of religion.

*2001: 9/11...need I say more?

*2002: Went to the independent movie theater downtown more times than I can count. Saw "24 Hour Party People" which turned me on to British New Wave.

*2003: Transferred to an urban city school where I reconnected with old friends and was pulling all-nighters at least once a week for my high school program.

*2004: Graduated from high school and got into a prestigious journalism school - never thought THAT would happen!

*2005: Nothing too eventful that I can remember. College, ya know.

*2006: Finally broke up with my nutjob-whitetrash-stalker of a boyfriend. A rather shambles spring break in Jamaica. Had lots of unmentionable things occur after that. One good point was being able to work with South Africans at a country club in the county - changed my life once again. Made me become rather passionate about issues in Zimbabwe and South Africa.

*2007: Another mind-blowing year. I think. Parties, drunken mishap adventures. Tons of work to be done for journalism. Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines. Having all my best college friends living in a Knox Box shack. Saying goodbye to more South Africans. Meeting British people randomly one night in a bar that would also change my life.

*2008: South Beach spring break extravaganza. My father almost dying from two heart valve transplants. I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. College graduation. Holy crap: my life is officially complete now that I have a huge diploma above my used-to-be bedroom. Parties, parties, parties in the summer. Moving to London. LONDON. LONDON. LONDON. Did I mention London? Meeting new friends, learning a new work environment, learning a new city for Christ's sake, falling in love, falling in the rain, etc. Too much to mention in this year.

*2009: Losing my job the first week into the new year. Finding out tons of people are losing their jobs and purposefully falling in front of trains. Finding out a man I more than likely fell in love with (if you want to call it that) will not say goodbye to me on my last day in Londontown. Sheer heartbreak upon leaving London. Exploring Athens and Rome with a fantastic friend. My mom's aunt passes away in Greece, leaving me rather stunned. Coming home to sheer joy to see friends and family! Being unemployed for months to end up working in The Shittiest Bar/Restaurant on Earth. Quitting two weeks later to go back to my old college job. Being offered a job in New York and turning it down because it didn't feel right. Being offered a job in London only to be swindled by false hope and a lack of respect on the Brit's end. Having my aunt pass away which would change my life. Giving up my bedroom so my grandmother can live in it. Having numerous family feuds and eternal frustration only for me to realize that life could be a lot worse.

And now I am here, sitting at my work desk. With the hope that when Big Boss Lady gets back, she will give me the go-ahead to apply for my Tier 2 UK work visa.

Hope prevails. It never dies.

is this the end when two worlds collide?

There are a million and one things I could rant about this afternoon. My car repairs. Maryland's incapacity to de-ice the sidewalks, streets, and whatever other mode of transportation people use. My bank account. My ability to maintain relationships. Et al.

However, the one thing that has completely irked me today was seeing what popped up on CNN at lunchtime. Granted, I had a nice steaming hot white pizza in front of me, partnered with breadsticks and a tall gallon of water. I was ready to dig in, only to see someone reporting on how women in the Army could possibly be court-martialed or jailed for getting pregnant while on duty. WHAT?!

Picture this: I am watching a male general on TV dictating how a woman in combat who becomes pregnant is a nuisance and destabilizes the unit. She must be clearly replaced, and thus, her replacement has to pick up her "slack."

Now, why does the WOMAN get court-martialed, fined, jailed, etc.? I will reiterate what I have reiterated for years: IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO, PEOPLE. Mr. General Of An Unjust War, you better be sure to reprimand, jail, or fine both parties rather than the one who has a womb. The woman should not be the only one to be discarded from duty like an old sock. You should defer both the man and the woman for the pregnancy from duty, not just the woman! Do I make myself clear? In case Mr. Nutjob General hasn't figured it out, a pregnancy revolves around one sperm and one egg. Not just an egg!

For all you "oh-Bean-you're-such-a-manhater-maneater" thinkers, I do not have a problem with men in most cases. But I do have a huge problem with men creating these roles solely focusing on women's reproduction (think of the new healthcare bill's ramifications on abortion coverage!) and choices. It is not a man's place to force rules down our throats and if women care, they must speak up and say something. Not be the typical little fuck-mice that some of us have sadly evolved to be.

sometime around midnight.

Weather Report:

Apparently, midnight is when this snow storm is going to slam into the Baltimore/DC Metro area. We are to be hit with at least 10 inches of snow, 35 mph winds, and the removal of my sanity that I will surely suffer from being stuck at home. I will be home with: stressed-out parents that haven't done any Xmas shopping, a sister who now wants to work out for three hours a day, a grandmother who usually doesn't remember my name, and a cat who resembles a schizophrenic gremlin. This is not my idea of a fun weekend.

I won't be able to walk to Chipotle for a burrito adventure this time. I'll barely make it out my front door considering a white wintry avalanche is upon us.

Personal Report:

I am at work. To wear off the supposed boredom of being completely lazy and unmotivated, I am looking at websites featuring "Home Decor." Basically, I have this sick pleasure of looking at Target's Bathroom section and Urban Outfitters' bedroom wares, imagining what a lovely 5-speed mixer or tapestry would look like in my fantasy apartment. You know you're getting old when...

Seriously, what is going on with the world? Ten years ago, I can honestly say I was fantasizing about being the best female electric-guitar player in a band coated with rock and funk AND living as a broke artisan in Manhattan. My, how the tables have turned. Now I am imagining housewares and what imaginary colors would look best on my imaginary walls. Is my Clock of Independence ticking away? What is going on where I'm fantasizing about my perfect apartment in SOME big city? I think it's a cue for "Time For Bean To Leave The Parents' House."

It is a legit fear, being one of my only friends still living at their parents' house. While I don't even have my own bedroom any more, I still have this strange hope that not only will I move out of that house in the New Year semi-permanently, but that I will move overseas to start the somewhat freeing life I left behind.

Annoyingly, time will tell...

Eating Report:

So far today, I have consumed:
-1 cup of coffee
-1 Western omelet packed with ham, onions, and peppers
-1 Lindt Chocolate Ball
-2 Slim Jims
-1 Rice Krispies Treat
-1 side of hash browns
-4 pieces of toast

And yet somehow I am completely unsatisfied. So typical.

how soon is now.

There is some feeling gnawing at my brain. It's right in the middle of "exhausted," "stressed," and "unsatisfied." Exhaustressfied?

With this new year comes new beginnings. I can feel it. Fate is in my hands. Things must - and will - change. I refuse to let someone or something dictate my life. I believe that when someone can have the courage, tenacity, and motivation to get their ass into gear, anything can happen. And it usually does.

Lucky for me, I pushed all my fantastical thoughts aside and took a giant step forward. I approached my managers at work and inquired about transferring to our company office in Surrey (that's in England for you closed-minded geography folk). Yes, people, I miss England that much, and am officially categorizing myself as an Anglophile. I couldn't explain the longing if I tried, but it's the first place I've felt really at home and at ease since my first visit to New York. Put that in your English pipe and smoke it. GET ME HOME!

So far, the response to my request has been overwhelming. All the managers here have backed me 110% and the Big Boss Lady is very excited about the idea. She even spoke to HER boss, who said "I think it's a great idea." Now it's just a question of logistics and whether the company wants to put forth the moolah to sponsor me. Hell, if they are worried about costs, I'll front the money! Granted I would be slightly ticked a company of this magnitude couldn't afford a measly $2,000, but whatever. I'm not pushing my luck with their budgets or with this global economy.

Inherently, it looks like a 60% chance that I'll be trekking across the Atlantic back to London. Christ, this is infinitely better than the 0% chance I had a few weeks ago. However, I am not jumping to any conclusions as last time's promise of a London job was the biggest gimmick of my life - courtesy of a certain incompetent English bastard.

Anyways, bad feelings aside, things are looking up!

The Xmas holiday is afoot. I managed to put myself into debt (as I do every Christmas) with holiday shopping, and am putting up my feet in despair. I spent my day off running around in stores trying to find the perfect present for my close-knit family members. However, I'm a giver and if my credit card statement sees red this month, so be it. I am not ashamed. Money is just paper after all.

operation. operation. snip and tie. snip and tie!

Okay, so... blatant and mentally draining topic of the day is THE DUGGARS.

Ahh, the Duggars. America's family dedicated to procreating because it must be God's will. The only family that contains a mother with a uterus that must be the size of Nebraska, and a father who is a creepy throwback to any stereotypical husband of the 1950s. Also don't forget to count eighteen of their strange-as-hell looking children/drones.

I came across their family photo today, after hearing that Old Mother Duggar gave birth prematurely to her nineteenth, 19th, NINETEENTH child! Praise the Lord and All Hail Moses! Have I mentioned that these crazies live in the Bible Belt? One cannot even hold a candle to the shame and embarrassment I feel for people who behave like this. AND, if this doesn't encourage snickering, Old Mother decided to desecrate a New York borough by naming this one-pound-premature addition Josie Brooklyn. Ugh.

Someone needs to tell Duggar & Co. that humans are not simply on Earth to procreate. We are evolving creatures who currently have limited space to roam free and explore the Earth. Those who are intelligent and considerate of the Earth's resources recognize that a family of even six nowadays is pushing the limit! Their family, in theory, must be using up the resources for five families of four. Honestly, how is this realistic in times where people are fighting for resources all over the world? Out pops a family who deems themselves worthy to be in God's holy hands, and thus, constantly add rooms on to a mansion for their kin. This is absurd, I tell you!

Do they receive any Federal or State help, by the way? Rumor has it that "Jim Bob's accounting practices get the family tax credits by listing their home as a church or something weird," courtesy of a Jezebel comment. If this is true, holy hell, what madness! A church for what? Jim Bob (even Jesus is laughing at this stereotypical name from the South, let me tell you) is constantly studying the birds and the bees with his wife, and somehow gets a tax break? Ha!

Also, has anyone considered the health implications for this woman? Nineteen children? How does she still have a functioning womb or a uterus? As she gets older, surely more health complications will arise with wanting to have more children - and all in the name of God's will. **NOTE TO OLD MOTHER DUGGAR: Your womb is not a sieve, lady, so you should stop treating it as such!**

It is in my high hopes that God sends a sign to them to stop procreating. Perhaps dropping a giant circular case full of birth-control pills or sending an IUD by stork?

Lord help this family. Literally.

i'm not looking for a new england.

Since the 1st of this month, I have seen this huge tractor trailer with the word "ENGLAND," in Gothic font driving on 95 South. It is always a few car lengths in front of me, but I somehow always manage to see it speeding along down the highway. Today, I decided to speed up right next to it, and analyze this truck for what it was.

Seeing the word "England" was a mere taunt to me, to my efforts on getting back there to work, and to my sheer deep-set misery of missing that country to no end. What did the side of the truck say, pray tell? Why - "DRIVE LIFE."

It could not be any more clear. I have seen this truck at least three times so far this month. If this is not a sign, I'm not sure what is.

Le sigh.